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| 12:31am 28/12/2008 |
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music: Shot in the Arm - Wilco
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I just saw Milk. It was so strange how that movie mirrored everything that just happened in America.
You can win if you talk about hope, if you speak from the heart. You can win battles large or small. When I step back, the things I fight for might seem insignificant, but I know they are beacons of hope in someone's life. That's all that matters. Those changes will mean something to someone. I hope I learn never to step back far enough that I stop, and I know I've been in danger of doing so.
I owe it to those that love me and believe in me to be nothing less than extraordinary. I owe it to myself to be nothing less than extraordinary. I know the battles will only get bigger.
I sometimes think I gave up being an artist when I left for school. I know that that's not true. My life, my world is my art now. I must paint the prettiest picture of the world that I can imagine and do so with my words and actions. Yes I said it, and if you can believe it...that's exactly what I wrote for the short answer on my Lehigh application. I believed it then. Sometimes I miss that girl, but I think she's back.
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ride the metro |
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| 12:19am 22/12/2008 |
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I need to let go. Most of my life has been about fear. Fear of God, fear of the truth about myself, fear of other people finding out the truth about me
Honestly, being gay has been far more a positive force in my life than a negative one. It has given me or involves more things that I love...women, saying "I don't need no man" and meaning it, standing out, a best friend that hates straight ladies, a greater opportunity to make jokes at my own expense to name a few...than negative reactions or backlash.
I think I'm afraid to admit that this didn't ruin my life. I don't know why...it's probably because I'm not entirely convinced that it's okay to be the way I am.
Time to get back out there Jaclyn. There are plenty of reason you're not wonderful but this isn't one of them. |
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ride the metro |
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| 06:42pm 09/11/2008 |
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I know being gay, at Lehigh, and without you means working harder for things that I want less. It's a shame that the last three years emotionally scarred us both beyond recognition. I guess I'm apologizing for being such a monster.
I can be happy, I can get to the places I want to go without you. I'm just not sure if I want to...despite those things I said. It's incredibly complicated and unfair isn't it? It always has been and I fear it always will be. For those reasons, we both have to move on.
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ride the metro |
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| 12:25am 30/09/2008 |
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...I hope you realize I'm not okay either. |
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ride the metro |
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| 12:07am 03/09/2008 |
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I'M GAY
as a tennis player.
I'm sorry if you haven't figured it out yet.
I'm out...to everyone, yes, my parents.
The past month has been full of insensitive comments and shame.
I hope it gets better soon, it's not easy being out...especially here.
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4 rides ride the metro |
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| 01:31pm 28/11/2007 |
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I think I'm going to stop being practical for once.
I miss 15 year-old kind of Jackie that had stars in her eyes and never backed down.
So I'll take the positive from that time, and reflect on how I've grown for the better.
And oh by the way, I love it here, more than I ever thought I could. |
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3 rides ride the metro |
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| 09:43pm 01/06/2007 |
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Tomorrow I, or perhaps we depending on who's reading this, graduate from high school. Maybe people are sad, but I'm not, at least sad isn't the right word.
I truly believe the best is yet to come, and I think everyone should keep that attitude. I don't mean now, I mean always, if you always believe the best is yet to come in life, then it's true and you may be a lot better off. You should only sacrafice your happiness or optimism when it's the right thing to do.
Basically, I want to do research that will help people, and that's my ultimate goal. I'm gonna work towards that and I have no doubt that I'm going to have fun and grow as a person as I do so.
So don't get bogged down in the fact that things are ending, it's time. Everyone is moving on to greatness, and believe it or not, these people that we love, we're not leaving them, we're doing it together. |
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2 rides ride the metro |
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| 08:50pm 08/03/2007 |
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I'm stuck in a rut to say the least. I just find myself so detached from everything. I'm sick of sex being more important than anything else, and being in a culture, both in a Western world kind of sense and my own community if you will, where it's held in higher esteem and talked about more than anything else in the world. It's become the thing that blurs the lines in every situation imaginable and causes hurt and anger. And I, who practically thinks that women shouldn't show their ankles, don't fit in and don't get it. I don't understand why bodies are now weapons. Perhaps, it is the fact that I'm immature, because I am, but even with age I don't think I'm ever going to grasp the concept. I'm sick of senioritis, of feeling so unmotivated that I feel helpless at times. Even more so, I feel like I've been striving to be a better person and I'm catching more flack for that than I would if I were in a downward spiral. So it seems I'm not satisfied with myself, and neither is anyone else. Especially my parents, who do not realize that I could not possibly give a shit about college at the moment, because honestly, I would be so paralyzed in fear. I don't care, and I don't have a clue, and I have less than 2 months to decide anddddd I don't even know what schools will even be an option yet. |
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2 rides ride the metro |
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| 07:01pm 01/11/2006 |
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indifference almost killed me.
I wasn't even the one that was indifferent.
I was driving under ten miles an hour on the right side of the aisle
there was one parked ahead of me on the wrong side
two buses came straight down the middle
they didn't stop
they didn't care
they were going to hit me
I had nowhere to go.
so I did what was "right"...I got out of the way
cause if I didn't I would have been killed or seriously injured for sure
and yet, there are still really shitty consequences
and Jimmy Hahn
who I am ever so grateful to for being cool and understanding
he...just parked his car, he didn't do anything wrong
I'm sorry.
my parents didn't do anything wrong, they let me borrow the car
they still got screwed.
I feel so bad.
life happens, but it doesn't really make me feel any better. |
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6 rides ride the metro |
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| 05:08pm 21/08/2006 |
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I'm scared.
I'm really scared to say the least.
I'm scared of finishing community service.
I'm scared of no one being in my classes.
I'm scared of being forgotten.
I'm just scared.
But I shouldn't be.
Though I'm scared, I'm so happy.
I happy for everyone that's leaving.
but I'm sad
because I love them so much
and I'm sad
because I don't know if they know how much I do
and maybe that's my fault
and I'm hopeful
I hope they get everything they want
cause it's everything they deserve.
I hope they realize how much they'll be missed
and how they're always welcome here.
and for everybody not leaving,
well I love them too
and I miss them too
and they deserve everything too
and they're still welcome.
my own life, and my own struggles has left me lost and confused
I don't really even know who I am
and everyone who knows me knows I've been a bit sick
for a long time
and I've been caught up
and I'm sorry
know that seeing your faces for the first time everyday made me feel safe
by the lockers (with cereal)
during whittle
on stairway four
in the band room
in the hallway by the girls locker room between 3rd and 4th
lunch 5th period
maybe I haven't been happy but just know that all of that made me happy.
my time with you made me happy.
I'm gonna stay happy cause of all the memories
I know you're all gonna make your own memories
both with me and independent of me
I hope it makes you happy
I know you're probably all scared too
for different reasons
maybe you're leaving,
maybe your best friends are leaving
maybe you have to finish your community service
maybe you can't believe how fast your life went
...no, wait..that's everyone I think
it's gonna be fine, I don't think there's anyway it won't be fine
it'll be good.
it's just a lot.
it's a lot because
despite the fact that I know I'm gonna be fine, that we'll all be fine
I know that
before I even realize it
it'll be a year later
I'll be packing
and I call into question my judgement
there's no way to know how things will turn out
but something tells me this year will be good
people wait their whole lives
people wait their whole lives for senior year
people wait their whole lives to go to college
I don't really have to wait anymore
I'm still impatient to leave this place,
but maybe it's not about waiting
maybe we all should just live,
and take advantage of the time we have left together
and take advantage of the time we have to make our own paths
I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss the way our lives were
I just want someone to promise me it's gonna be just as great
but I guess I don't need anybody to
because anytime I see or speak to any of you
I know that it's gonna be great
I just want everyone to know that I love them
and I'm sorry for every moment I've taken you for granted
everything's gonna be great. |
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5 rides ride the metro |
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| 12:09am 12/06/2006 |
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Name?
Jackie
Sex?
uhm female
Siblings?
nope.
Eye color?
shit brown
Shoe Size?
9
Height?
5'4" maybe
Innie or Outie?
Innie, I hear it's nicely shaped
Righty or lefty?
Righty, clicheclichecliche
Can you make a dollar in change right now?
yes
Do you have a b/f or g/f?
no, omgstfu. indifferent.
Best place to go for a date?
uhm to bed.
-------------FAVORITES
Kind of pants?
anything pinstriped, cause you know, I'm like gangster
Number?
9
Animal?
sperm.
Drink?
iced chai latte
Sport?
soccer
Month?
uhmm august
Juice?
OJ duh
Breakfast?
frappucino?
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Have You Ever...
Given anyone a bath?
do little cousins count?
Made yourself throw-up?
yes
Eaten a dog?
no
Put your tongue on a frozen pole?
ew.
Loved someone so much it made you cry?
yep.
Broken a bone?
left wrist.
Played truth or dare?
rite of passage much
Been on a plane?
yea yea
Came close to dying?
I guess
Been in a sauna?
no
Been in a hot tub?
I have one...but not for a very long time *hate for water*
Swam in the ocean?
yes...but not for a very long time *hate for water*
Fallen asleep in school?
who hasn't
Ran away?
yep
Broken someone's heart?
I think so
Cried when someone died?
not really, because I'm a cold bitch
Cried in school?
apricot.
Fell off your chair?
spaz.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call?
ha...yea.
Saved AIM conversations?
probably that chat when I convinced Tara Nolan I was pregnant..that was pretty fucking funny
Saved e-mails?
no
Made out with JUST a friend?
oh god yes. *whore*
Used someone?
no.
Been cheated on?
I don't think so
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What is...
Your good luck charm?
my large cock
New favorite song?
uhm Town Halo - A.C. Newman
What's your room like:
my bed is jesus.
What is beside you?
uhmm phone
Last thing you ate and when?
I don't remember
What kind of shampoo do you use
brilliant brunette
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Ever Had....
Chicken pox?
no
Sore Throat?
yes
Stitches?
yes
Broken nose?
probably
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Do You...
Believe in love at first sight?
definitely
Like picnics?
sure
Like school?
no way
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Question:
Who was the last person that called you?
Tara
Who was the last person you slow danced with?
do people do that...or do they just fuck through clothes now
Who makes you smile?
mimes.
Who knows you the best?
John and Tara
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Who:
Did you last yell at?
my mom
Is the last person you watched tv with?
uhm, I don't know
Told you they loved you?
Tara
Who is the last person you saw (besides your parents)?
I don't know
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The Do's:
Do you like filling these out?
yea sure
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
glasses
Do you like yourself?
not really
Do you get along with your family?
sure, but ask me tomorrow, could be different
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Are You...
Compulsive?
in ways
Suicidal?
no
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Final Questions:
What are you listening to right now?
B&S
What did you do yesterday?
Melissa's grad party
Gotten any awards?
once, I ate like a bajillion fucking mini pigs in a blanket
What car/truck do you wish to have?
I have a silver corolla s
Good driver?
no, but I didn't kill anyone yet
Good Singer?
fuck no
Have a lava lamp?
yes..somewhere
How many remote controls are in your house?
I don't know
Are you double jointed?
no
When you last showered?
yesterday..but that's a fucking rarity I shower liek 238947294 times a day
Scary or Funny Movies:
either
Chocolate or Vanilla?
either
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper?
rootbeer
Summer or winter?
both
Silver or Gold?
White Gold *difficult*
Diamond or pearls?
diamonds are forever
Sprite or 7up?
sprite
Coffee or tea?
both
Phone or in person?
uhm..like sex or what?
Are you oldest, middle, youngest?
only!
Indoor or outdoor?
indoor
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Today did you...
1. Eat something?
yes
2. Bought something?
yes
3. Get sick?
no
4. Sing?
no
wtfuckhappenedhere
8. Talked to an ex?
...no.
9. Miss someone?
yea
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Last person who....
10. Recently slept in your bed?
Tara? everyone's all up in my bed.
11. Saw/heard you cry?
Tara
12. Made you cry?
I'm not telling
13. Went to the movies with?
John and Ray
14. You went to the mall with?
I have no idea, probably John
15. Said "I Love You" and meant it?
Weiss
16. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Joker just hates me
17. Been to Vegas?
yea
18. Been to Mexico?
no
19. Been to Canada?
yea
20. Been to Europe?
no
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Random.....
21. Do you have a crush on someone?
yes
22. What book are you reading now?
uhm haha the origin of species - darwin
23. Best feeling in the world?
playing music
24. Future KIDS names?
Adrian & Olivia? I don't really want kids
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
moosey
26. What's under your bed?
dust
27. Favorite sport to watch?
uhmmmmmm I guess soccer
28. Favorite Location?
dunno
29. Piercing/Tattoo?
no
30. What is your favorite food?
I really dont know
31. Who do you really hate?
hahahaha suck my dick ****************
32. Do you have a job?
musicland
33.Did you ever like a person you didn't have a chance with?
yea
34. Have you ever cried?
I am human
36. Are you lonely right now?
not really
38. Song that's stuck in your head right now?
song for sunshine
40. Have you ever gotten beat up?
dude, I fucking wrestled Noriega
42. Have you ever been on radio/TV?
both actually
43. Have you ever been in a mosh-pit?
yea haha
44. Ever liked someone, but thought they never noticed you?
what
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Random:
What color is your underwear right now?
blue, I'm actually wearing some
Whats the first things you notice about the opposite sex (visual)?
oh I don't know
nope?
well that one time..
ever get so drunk you dont remember?
what
Hair color?
darkest brown
Are you too shy to ask someone out?
no
Hugs or Kisses?
kisses
Aim? MSN?
AIM
Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
butter
dogs or cats?
dogs
Have you ever fired a gun?
no
Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car?
what else is in the teaches of peaches like sex on the beaches uhhh whaatt riigghht
How many pillows do you sleep with?
like 4 |
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| 10:00pm 31/05/2006 |
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You were about 6 inches taller than me, and a year older. I remember you were moving up to wind ensemble, so that would mean that you would have to play at graduation. That's what you were practicing for while me and Steve just sat and talked in the sun-baked hot band room (as this was before the creepy light above the piano was installed). Now I'll be sitting in the hot room for a week, without you. You were at graduation practice, but not for clarinet, because you were the one that would walk across the stage. |
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| 06:55pm 31/05/2006 |
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So the year's coming to an end. I can't help but feel like after today, I'm done with school but it's simply not true. I have a whole week to go, and then finals. I'm scared for myself, for my seniors.
A couple questions come to mind...
Is it still funny if I draw pictures of Steven Loehr and Tara together?
Are cashew jokes still okay?
Will I ever have to see Ashley's feet again?
Who's going to lick me before 10 AM?
but more importantly...
Am I gonna be the same without some of my best friends?
Do I really like band, or was it the people?
Am I still going to be special?
I know the answers to most of the questions, and I know it's gonna be fine. |
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| 04:59pm 09/05/2006 |
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it's gonna be on ghost world.
how creativity is a function of social factors,
how the homosexual undertones are connected
using psychological views of creativity
and it's connection to homosexuality.
yes, I think Enid had a thing for Rebecca. |
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| 02:12pm 03/05/2006 |
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he said something about another cyst,
and here it was,
exactly 28 days after the last one...
on the eve of college board fest '06
I had to go home, possibly the hospital.
There's a new nurse,
she let me sit there in pain for 15 min
because she forgot to call my mom
and then
in front of this little dorky asian kid
who probably broke his arm
because he sucks at gym
basically told me
how I would never have children
gotta love it. |
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1 ride ride the metro |
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| "Bless me Father, for I have sinned." |
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| 06:28pm 21/03/2006 |
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Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
It has been _______ since my last confession.
Do you remember when you were preparing to go to confession for the first time?
Catholic school kids can identify.
Remember feeling so much better after you were done?
Now, I'm so uncomfortable being near church..or well, that lovely little event we hold in the auditorium.
So...
Bless me Father, for I have sinned...according to your doctrine.
It has been a while, and I'm never coming back for confession.
These are my sins:
I don't think that I've done anything wrong.
I don't believe Jesus was the son of God, I don't believe he existed, rather he's a mythological being that arose out of social situations. I do agree with what he stood for, good, not god, two o's.
I think "Jesus" would be ashamed of your religion.
I think everything I've been taught about heaven, hell, sex, love, and sin has been complete bullshit.
That's my sin.
And why do you always change the version of the Act of Contrition...is it too harsh? Not good for the ol' image? |
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3 rides ride the metro |
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| 03:43pm 14/02/2006 |
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My Life In Picture Form:
In short, it's hazy, I'm holding a bass clarinet, I'm behind Tara and Noriega...who are misbehaving, and there's a cheesy pine tree background. Yea, that's what it's about. |
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4 rides ride the metro |
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surdehouston's journal
